Slightly out of season. This was originally performed for Esoterotica’s Naughty New Year 2013.

 
Can I Call Her Fairuza?
by Zach B
 
My New Year’s resolution is to stop drinking coffee. Not for any problems I have with caffeine, but because I keep thinking the barista with the pixie cut has a crush on me simply because she happens to remember the same order I make five times a week.

Not that I wouldn’t want to capitalize on that possibility should it exist. Pixie cut, after all.

I couldn’t make the attempt because I know ladies in service jobs get approached all the time by guys whose orders they don’t even incidentally remember. I think those guys are tools even when the woman they’re asking out isn’t potentially my secret admirer. Whenever some guy does work up the bravado to give it a try and inevitably gets shot down, it embarrasses everybody in line behind them who had also been thinking of asking her out.

What should one even fantasize about for a barista, anyways?

– Pressing her up against the espresso machine so hard that steam shoots out each time you thrust?

– Maybe sitting her on the bean grinder for the same effect that you get when doing it on a washing machine?

– Would I get to pull out and finish in to one of those tiny little espresso mugs?

“Excuse me, ma’am, I asked for light whip.”

I couldn’t just write my number on a fiver and put it in the tip jar, that’d make me a john if it worked.

My Christmas list this year:

1. Bags of Earl Grey, in bulk.

2. The Craft on DVD.