There’s been some confusion over my default byline. Allow me to clarify: “freelance New Englander” is not a typo. You literally can hire me to be aloof and make snap judgments on your behalf. There wouldn’t have been much of a market for it back up north, but while I’m here in New Orleans my traditional Massachusetts mannerisms are yours to command. It’s a great way to take the heat off of you at parties, embarrass social rivals in front of peers, any situation where you may need to ensure a little shade gets cast.
Here are my tiered rates, ordered by respectability:
- The Cape Cod – $55/hr. Will circulate about the premises bon-motting with that sort of New Yorkerish reference-based nonhumor high society seems to prefer. No more than once per hour, will focus venomous quips and snide remarks on single target guest of your choosing until they either leave or throw a drink on me. Optionally, will circulate gossip about them to select guests on topics such as their dubiously-earned careers, shameful family history, and psychiatric disorders. Racism, if present, will be veiled. Will dress to the occasion.
- The Southie – $30/hr. Will follow single target guest around and say “Listen ‘a dat fahkin’ queeah” offhandedly whenever they finish speaking. Will get in their face if confronted, but won’t come to blows. Optionally, will shout “YOUK” and “BOM BOM BOMMM” at random intervals. Racism provided upon request. Will wear jeans, chuckas and a Dropkick Murphys shirt.
- The UMass Amherst – $40/hr per crew member + bail. Will knock out their headlights with a baseball bat and carve something rude about their favorite sports team in to their hood. Will bring a crew and get aggressive if confronted. Racism non-optional; if target is white, will proceed as though they are Italian. Will wear Red Sox cap and knockoff jersey with “JETER SUX” in place of the player name.
The cost of drinks is not included in the tiers. In the case of the UMass Amherst, that will take the form of a pony keg and bottle of Jameson to be consumed an hour prior to the event.