The recent millage vote here in New Orleans has gotten me all fired up for political advocacy, and I’m excited to announce that I’ll be running for mayor. I’m announcing it now to give me an ample head-start on the competition and give me time to research when the next election actually is. If you’re tired of insider politics, elect the ultimate outsider: a carpetbagger!
Here’s a small list of my policies:
1) Any employee in a customer-facing position in the city of New Orleans will be permitted to voice a single instance of “bitch please” or equivalent phrase to a customer per week without repercussions.
2) Locally-owned businesses will be permitted to charge a “tourist fee” of up to 5% on all transactions conducted with customers who are wearing beads outside of carnival season.
3) Po-boys which do not contain seafood must be referred to as grinders.
4) Flooding problems in certain areas of Uptown will not be remedied, but homes with children within five blocks of affected areas will be provided with inflatable water wings courtesy of the city.
5) It will be unlawful for film crews to prevent any member of the public from entering a filming location within city limits, or bar them from accessing the craft services table.
6) Alcoholic beverages are permitted in Orleans Parish District Court, and mandatory if one is directly involved in a trial. This is not so much a change of existing law as it is a codification of current practices.
7) All instances of the word “maximum” in recent noise ordinances affecting the French Quarter and Marigny neighborhoods are to be replaced with “minimum.”
8) Do what ‘cha wanna shall be the whole of the Law.*
*Gonna need an artist who can draw a cross between a fleur-de-lis and a unicursal hexagram as my campaign logo. Must be willing to work for exposure.