by Zach Bartlett

Attention heterosexual cis-gentlemen! Are you tired of fumbling about between your partner’s legs like a bedroom version of that claw game from old arcades? Have you already tried licking the entire English alphabet and had to move on to those makebelieve letters with dots and squiggly lines above ’em? Well wipe your worries away, because I’m here to tell you about a revolutionary new patent-pending product called Just Frickin’ Pay Attention to Her.

For those of you who don’t follow contemporary social science, the emerging consensus in the (admittedly male-dominated) field is that women are fully-sapient beings who possess personal agency, internal lives, and desires potentially on par with those of men, as well as the ability to communicate them in ways that men, if willing, are capable of interpreting.

Just Frickin’ Pay Attention to Her requires no batteries (unless she’s into that sort of thing,) no power cords to untangle (unless she’s into that sort of thing,) no messy cleanup (unless she’s. . . you get the idea.)

Our revolutionary new guidebook will instruct you in such subtleties as: acknowledging when she’s counting the ceiling tiles while you’re thrusting away with straight abandon; noticing how responsive she may be to whatever you’re trying to do with your tongue down there; and understanding that no means no, ouch means ouch, and a sigh means just give up and hand her that thing in the nightstand that you thought was a Rock Band microphone.

For those of you who’ve mastered the introductory lessons such as reading facial expressions and telling the difference between someone wrapping their arms around you and someone reaching over to check their phone, our companion guide Advanced Just Frickin’ Pay Attention to Her will help you navigate the mysterious realm of verbal communication. Not only will you learn how to ask complicated questions such as “do you like it when I do that,” or “what do you enjoy,” but it will also provide you with tips for actually listening to her responses and adjusting your sexual tactics accordingly.

All this revolutionary and incredibly fucking basic knowledge can be yours for just four easy payments of $19.95 — but wait, there’s more! Order in the next thirty minutes and we’ll also throw in this:


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