To the tune of Anything Goes. The upbeat musical version, not the slow sappy Sinatra version.
Here’s a good reference.
in the style of Cole Porter
by Zach Bartlett
Times have changed —
social mores have evolved a bit
since the time women couldn’t hit
on folks they liked out in public.
if women wish to be so upfront,
they can hit on any one they want!
(Did you think I was gonna say c-nt?)
In olden days, your bros cockblocking
was looked on as something shocking
but now they claim: anything’s game.
Lotharios who could sext better
n0w brly use enuf lttrs
or misspell your name, ’cause anything’s game.
If shirt collars popped you like,
if feels copped you like,
if bases slid you like,
if lengths fibbed you like,
if that “nice guy” you don’t like
becomes a jealous tyke,
you should just tell him that he’s laaame.
If you come home from work too early
and I’m in bed with your friend Shirley?
Honey, let me explain! She told me anything’s game!
When guys ask girls to come watch Netflix
and then they just whip out their dicks,
who’s to blame if anything’s game?
If you’ve a crush on a librarian
then find that her nose is buried in
a book by Zane, you know anything’s game!
On Grindr you found a fop
who was a power-top
and in bed you hopped,
but then his calls wouldn’t stop!
He wouldn’t let it drop
and now his number’s blocked.
Why are the cute ones all insaaane?
I might not be the most flirtatious
but I can drop burns hellacious,
aren’t those the same when you’ve read The Game?
Instead of hitting on your waitress,
post missed connections on Craigslist
’cause you’re too tame when anything’s game!
Now girls kiss girls and boys kiss boys
while you stay home with your sex toys
but there’s no shame ’cause anything’s game.
The world is more libertine,
there’s a burlesque scene
with some cool routines!
What does “zaftig” mean?
If for me you’re keen
my test results are clean
and I’m glad that you caaame.
It Cole Porter wrote songs today,
he might have had some things to say
that were more profane, now that anything’s game!