EsoTarot Cards, part 2

Part 1 of my vaguely-erotic tarot cards can be found here.

There’s a couple more in-jokes with fellow performers here, and if you don’t know who they are, check out the bio section on our website, or even better, come by next time you’re in New Orleans.

11. Justice

The Ghost of Esoteroticas Present leads you through the night to a well-lit house, and clasps its hands together to give you a boost up to peer in through the window. Inside you see two people, their faces obscured by one’s hair, embraced on the living room couch and in the process of undressing each other.

“Did you really take me here to show me my cheating jackass ex getting laid?”

The Ghost shakes its head, lets you down, then produces a ladder which it raises against the side of the house. You climb and look in through a second story window, where you recognize your ex, alone on one side of a bed, fast asleep.

Interpretations: Schadenfreude, things evening out, the not-Alanis-Morissette kind of irony.
Reversed: You’re just going to sit there scribbling over his face in old photos for another weekend, aren’t you? I worry sometimes.

12. The Hanged Man


Would you like to download dickpic.jpg?


Would you like to download dickpic.jpg?


Would you like to download dickpic.png?

Interpretations: Ongoing frustration, being surrounded by unoriginality.
Reversed: Satisfying one-night stand from a Craigslist “Missed Connection.”

13. Death

The Ghost of Esoteroticas Future gestures towards a single vine-covered headstone at the end of the yard.

“READ,” it says.

You step forward and pull away a clump of vines.

“Here lies [yer name],” is inscribed on the stone, “1983-2087.”

“Hey, that’s really not a bad run,” you say.

“READ FURTHER,” the ghost says.

You pull away another mass of vines towards the bottom to reveal the words “last got laid in 2017.”

Interpretations: Realignments, changing of priorities, dry spells.
Reversed: You will die mid-climax. Sure it’ll traumatize your partner(s), but hey, there’s no longer a you to be concerned about that!

14. Temperance

Everybody knows not to fuck straight-edge kids. Draw again.

15. The Devil

“Psst. Sit next to that lady and tell her you like whatever that is on her t-shirt.”

“But she’s busy reading a book,” you whisper back.

“Just go up and start touching her tattoo because that’s not creepy.”

You swat at your left shoulder, just missing me.

“Alright then!” I jab my little pitchfork into the side of your neck and hope I hit one of your impudent vertebra. “You’re actually going to approach her and say ‘Fuck me if I’m wrong but is your name Gretchen?'”

Interpretations: Impatience, succumbing to impulse, jumping the gun.
Reversed: A slow simmering courtship that progresses from a series of missed connections and passing glances to frustratingly-intermittent coffee dates around both of your crowded schedules and finally culminates months after your first meeting when you energetically rut on that scratchy couch I mentioned in card #5.

16. The Tower

Someone shouts ‘hold the door’ from across the lobby as you’re entering the elevator, and you do, which allows a deliveryman played by Cillian Murphy to step in alongside you, carrying a large package (I mean, like, a shipment.) He hits the button for the 80th floor.

“So, what d’ya have there?” you say.

“It’s this new startup that only delivers pillows and champagne using an app,” he says.

“That’s weirdly specific,” you say.

“I know, right?”

Suddenly, the power goes out and your elevator is stuck between floors.

“Probably going to be a while before maintenance gets to us,” you say.

“Y’know, if this champagne warms up they probably aren’t going to want it,” says the deliveryman.

Interpretations: Not a metaphor — you will actually bang Cillian Murphy on a bunch of pillows with champagne.
Reversed: Same meaning! Tallest card best card!

17. The Star

The Ghost of Esoteroticas Past gestures towards the wall, on which you see a rather ornate mirror. After gazing into it for a moment, the image shifts from your own face to a picture of you and your high school prom date — bulky glasses, dated perm and all.

“No, no,” you begin to stammer.

The image then cycles through a series of stills from ill-advised college relationships, which contain a panoply of Hatebreed t-shirts and greasy ponytails. And is that a Tenchi Muyo wallscroll in the background?

“Spirit, make this torment stop!” you shout.

The mirror’s image then dissolves back to your reflection, with ten numbers overlaid on top of it.

“I… I don’t understand.”

The spirit holds a hand up to the side of its head, with thumb and pinkie finger extended. Though you can barely make out its facial features beneath its shroud, you’re pretty sure it mouths “call me.”

Interpretations: Coming to terms with one’s past, learning from mistakes, self-acceptance.
Reversed: The 40 year old slobby guy with the graying soul patch who hangs around Godsmack concerts trying to chat up underage girls? That’s you, that is.

18. The Moon

“Listen,” she says, with moonlight shining in her eyes, “I’m not like other girls.”

“I know, hon,” you say, and take her hands in yours.

“No, I mean not like other human girls.” Her nails, suddenly much longer, dig into your palm, and fangs begin to sprout from her mouth.

“Ruby, I was there when you performed that werewolf poem of yours. I totally knew what I was getting into here.”


“I was worried you were going to say you were into pegging or something.”

The werewolf purses her lips. “…would that be a dealbreaker?”

Interpretations: Staying open to new possibilities, acceptance of others.
Reversed: Turns out it is a dealbreaker. Sorry Ruby.

19. The Sun

After five days afloat on your life raft, baked by the ceaseless sun, you notice that the ocean current has brought you within sight of a small island. You paddle towards it as best you’re able to in your weakened state, and as you draw closer, an actual mermaid emerges from the water nearby to sun herself on the island’s beach.

“Hello, sailor,” she calls to you, with a come-hither wave of her tail.

“Oh that’s real original,” you shout. “Gonna ask me to come on up and sea you sometime, huh? Tell me if I want it I should put a blue ring on it?”

“Brah, if that’s the attitude you’re gonna take you can fucking swelter,” she says. She slides back into the ocean and, a moment later, the island sinks beneath the waves as well.

You’re starting to realize why those women threw you off the ship in the first place.

Interpretations: Rigidity, overly-strict adherence to principles, probably some unresolved anger issues you should work on.
Reversed: Where did you think pearl necklaces came from?

20. Judgment

“Does it hurt when you move your thumb this way?” asks your doctor. He extends his thumb up and down.

“No,” you say, “only moving it to the left.”

“It sounds like a repetitive stress injury. Have you been swiping your thumb to the left a lot recently?”

You think back to your drunken decision to install Tinder last week.

Interpretations: Decisiveness, quick thinking, maintaining personal standards.
Reversed: A/S/L QT? ;-*

21. The World

Once the plane has reached cruising altitude and the turbulence settles, he takes a map out of his carry-on and colors in Norway, finally covering the entire world in black ink. He may need to revisit Northern Ireland depending on how the whole Brexit situation pans out, but for the time being, he’s now officially had sex in every country. Though he realizes he hasn’t filled in the oceans yet… he presses the button overhead to summon the attractive steward.

“Is there anything we can do for you, Mr. Oswell?”

Interpretations: Ambition, continuing to improve, getting tested regularly.
Reversed: Resting on your Laurels. On your Lillians? Her name was something with an L…

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