Nocturnal Admissions: Swine & Roses

Entry number five or six in my series of shorts about a third-shift psychologist. Special guest-reference to the work of Andy Reynolds, fellow New Orleans SF writer — check his stuff out here.


Nocturnal Admissions: Swine & Roses

Ever since I helped that smooth guy from Cafe Envie get over his affair with a sexually-frustrated ghost, my practice has begun taking on the occasional supernatural client. A number of them, unsurprisingly, have trouble integrating into modern society.

Andy is probably the one who gave Circe got my number. Dream girl? I can’t date clients. Pixie? It was more of a Chelsea cut. But manic? That’s exactly what her appointment that night was about!

“So,” she began, “after some bro-y sailor spread gossip about me being a battleaxe just because I wouldn’t line his crew up and blow ’em all in a row like a trained seal, I had to skip town for a couple thousand years. New Orleans seemed like a fun place with the vampires and all.”

“That’s just for tourism,” I said.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

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The XXX Files

Esoterotica’s fandom-themed show opened with this duet I co-wrote with the producer.
If any of you want to conduct your own investigation, you can find plenty of suspicious objects at:

Mulder: Scully, I think we have enough evidence to reopen the Saint Claude case.

Scully: Wasn’t that the one about the conspicuously stress-free women?

Mulder: Someone claiming to be a witness has finally come forward with photographic evidence of the mysterious object that was reportedly present at each of the incident sites.

(Mulder shows the audience a blurry photo:

MakeThisBlurrier )
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by Zach Bartlett

Attention heterosexual cis-gentlemen! Are you tired of fumbling about between your partner’s legs like a bedroom version of that claw game from old arcades? Have you already tried licking the entire English alphabet and had to move on to those makebelieve letters with dots and squiggly lines above ’em? Well wipe your worries away, because I’m here to tell you about a revolutionary new patent-pending product called Just Frickin’ Pay Attention to Her.
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Nocturnal Admissions: Gear Head

Another Esoterotica piece. The closing line was a little ribbing of a fellow performer who’s written before about being turned on by vehicles.

Nocturnal Admissions 3: Gear Head
by Zach B

She sat across from me, worrying at the ends of her hair like she usually did when anxious.

“I told you at the last appointment I’d started seeing somebody. But I had to break it off with him,” she said.

“I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”

She sighed and trailed her gaze around on the carpet.

“We got together in the first place because. . . well, you know how I’m really in to cars? Well this guy was like a character from Crash.”

“He had an offensively-simplified understanding of systemic racism?”

“No, I mean the other Crash. The one with James Spader.”
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